Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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