She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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