i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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