Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
