her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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