dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
