she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
