My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
