Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dear god my vagina.
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