mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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