well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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