I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
