my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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