i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
