If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
