So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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