We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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