Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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