i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
