I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
