I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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