i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just cropdusted the office
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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