Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
