If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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