Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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