ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
