normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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