Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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