fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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