Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
