I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
