nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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