Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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