So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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