I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
