I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
