where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
