I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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