I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
