I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
