My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
