I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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