Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
