i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
