Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
