I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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