Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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