i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
