Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
