Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
