I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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