If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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