Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
