It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize