Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
