Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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