My liver just broke up with me...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
