She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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