In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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