I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
