Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
