im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
