maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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